Welcome to the best class in the world!

Course expectations (and some goals)

1. Students will show appropriate levels of respect for their professor.

   1. Appropriate gifts for demonstrating respect

      1. The "A" gift: Only a smart student recognizes that it takes a great deal of money to keep the finest professors from moving on to greener academic pastures. Naturally, it would not be appropriate for the administration to explicitly require students to contribute beyond their already pricey tuitions (that would be in poor taste). So it is an implicit understanding that smart students (i.e., the one's who get A's in classes) know their additional financial obligations and contribute appropriately and freely. (Cash- not checks or credit cards that might leave embarassing paper trails.)
      2. The "B" gift: Professors often find themselves in new towns after having left behind particularly stupid students (see above). An above average student is astute in picking up on a professor's material needs. Naturally, this does NOT include what might be considered "hot items" or "defective merchandise" or certainly NOT "factory seconds." An above-average student is a thinker, and true thinkers think "top-name brands."
      3. The "C" gift: Favors that make a professor's life easier so that more time can be spent coming up with excellent lectures, better assignments, and the time needed for quality feedback to students. Imagine the distractions sad professors must endure such as having to mow the lawn, wash the car, walk the dog, and so on! Surely any average student realizes the importance of free time.
      4. The "D" gift: Students who are somewhat lacking in the scholarly domains typically recognize only the professor's self-esteem needs and their general desire to feel appreciated. Smiles, nods of encouragement, words of praise, and so forth are all nice. They reflect the fact that the student is not stupid enough to fail a course, yet (and I think students and faculty would agree on this) moral support alone isn't the way to show mastery of the contents of a course.
      5. The "E" gift. There is no such thing.

   2. Students will not whine or complain.

      1. Grades are final (although there may be instances in which an "A" student would likely be able to effect, at most, a single letter grade-change).
      2. Exams are never too difficult, ambiguously worded, too long, or graded in anything but a timely manner.
      3. There are no acceptable excuses for tardiness, absences, or early departures (this includes sleeping during lecture). The nearest thing to an acceptable excuse would be death of the student - however, all such excuses should be submitted prior to the class to be missed, and, only the first class missed using such an excuse will be allowed.
      4. In the event that the professor is late (or never shows up) for class, students are to work diligently (reading, studying, etc.) and NOT leave until the class period is over. Should an administrator interrupt class to inquire as to the professor's whereabouts, students will inform the administrator that the professor has stepped out and should return momentarily. If the administrator persists, you may tell the administrator that it is believed that the professor had to take a student to the hospital, or, that the president of the school had stopped by to inquire as to the whereabouts of that administrator and had requested an emergency meeting to discuss the future of the administrator at this school.

2. Course content

   1. Students will buy the textbooks (whether required or recommended). In the event that the author of the textbook and the professor are one and the same, students should buy two of the professor's texts (at a minimum) and insist on having one or all autographed.

   2. Students will read the texts and complete assignments in a timely fashion.

   3. Students will laugh sincerely and without critical evaluation at all of the professor's jokes.

   4. There will be no opportunities for office visits without a one-weeks notification of intent to visit during a regularly scheduled office hour. (Note: The professor reserves the right to change, modify, or cancel office hours at any time and for any reason - even during a scheduled office hour visit).

3. Course and instructor evaluation exams
   1. At the beginning of the semester, the instructor will provide students with a copy of the institution's standard evaluation exam form in order for students to have adequate time to prepare correct answers. Should students have ANY questions as to what constitutes a correct answer, please do not hesitiate to ask your professor. About one week before the university course evaluation exam, students will have an opportunity to practice their responses (and will be graded accordingly). Students who score the highest on this exam will have their exams forwarded to the administration (in case prizes are to be awarded to high-scoring students). The reason we do not ask for names on these exams is so that administrator-judges will not be biased in awarding prizes to students.

   2. Under no circumstances are students to complain about any aspect of the course, the teacher, the texts, the exams, etc. If you are in college, you are adults. Adults must learn to accept the consequences of their actions in an adult manner. You enrolled in this class, you must accept the consequences of that action.